Archers News

Obesity Adverts “Grossly Irresponsible”

Posted in Health by archersnews on February 3, 2011
Campaign to go up several jean sizes, slammed as "grossly irresponsible"

You too can get in these Jeans. Adverting campaign to increase your jean size, slammed as “grossly irresponsible”

An advertising campaign designed to make people gain weight by as much as 6 pounds a week has been branded as “grossly irresponsible” by a Health and Safety watchdog.

The fattening product which claims that it can double the average user’s weight through regular use has been outlawed without prescription in most European countries, however, through a loophole in European Union legislation it can be legally shipped from Turkey to Britain.

A spokesman for The Medicines and Healthcare products Regulatory Agency (MHRA) told Archers News that “Whilst this advertising is not against the law, someone will die at this rate. Encouraging people to add this type of weight to their bodies is just reckless”.


May contain traces of Jamie Oliver

Posted in Heston Blumenthal, Jamie Oliver Penne, Lloyd Grossman, Newman's Own, Pasta, Penne, The Fat Duck by archersnews on January 17, 2011

Jamie's popular range of Penne

There were calls yesterday for Jamie Oliver to remove his range of pasta from leading supemarkets amid claims that ‘Jamie Oliver Penne’ was actually made from Jamie Oliver.

A group of lobbyists is being led by mother of three Harriet Briggs, 37 from Potters Bar, who told Archers News: “As I was boiling some penne I casually glimpsed the small print on the packet and could hardly believe my eyes. It states ‘this penne is made from Jamie Oliver including his eyebrows, sweat and tears and over 50 other ingredients from his body. I thought I was dreaming’.

When we called Jamie Oliver Ltd, a spokesman told us “We’re clearly disappointed if one or two of our customers aren’t happy with any of our products however we do very clearly state this product is Jamie Oliver Penne and is made from Jamie“.

The spokesman added “It’s a little like being surprised that tomatos are one of the main ingredients in tomato sauce”.

Essence of Lloyd in Jalfrezi Sauce

Food and Drink editor for The Times, Carolyn Hart said “Jamie Oliver is by no means the only chef to incorporate his own body into food. One of the main ingredients in Lloyd Grossman Jalfrezi sauce is ‘distilled essence of Lloyd’. Heston Blumenthal’s taster menu at the Fat Duck also famously states ‘sauces marked with an asterisk contain my own flob, spoodge and wee’.

Jamie Oliver Penne is the third most popular pasta in Britain and won a Gold Fusilli  at the International Pasta Festival  in 2008.

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U2’s The Edge Pulls out of Tescos

Posted in Food and Drink, Pizza, U2 by archersnews on January 6, 2011
The Edge's Pizza no longer on sale in Tesco's

The Edge Pizza

After a year of disappointing sales, U2’s The Edge has finally decided to withdraw his To The Edge Pizza from supermarket giant Tesco’s.  A spokesman for Tesco’s attributed the low sales figures to supply difficulties and increased competition from manufacturers such as Pizza Express’s own brand frozen pizza. The U2 star, real name Sebastian Egremont-Jones, is said by sources to be “very unhappy” about the collapse of the Tesco deal, vowing that “arses are going to roll”.

Original story from January 2010

U2’s The Edge ‘Not Happy’ about Pizza sales (via Archers News)

Posted in Uncategorized by archersnews on January 6, 2011

U2’s The Edge ‘Not Happy’ about Pizza sales (via Archers News)

U2's The Edge 'Not Happy' about Pizza sales U2's The Edge is said to be 'unhappy' about sales levels of his new 'To the Edge Pizza' launched in September with UK supermarket giant Tesco's. The guitarist, real name Sebastian Egremont-Jones,  is in talks with the chain to offer a possible 2 for 3 deal to bolster sales. [caption id="attachment_6" align="alignnone" width="450" captio … Read More

via Archers News

Dancing on the ceiling? I was hitting the roof, says Richie

Posted in Commodores, Homes, Lionel Richie, Neighbours, Uncategorized by archersnews on September 19, 2010

Ceiling dancing

Ceiling dancing

Pop Superstar Lionel Richie revealed that his 80’s Smash Hit ‘Dancing on the Ceiling’ was inspired by a dispute with his neighbours. In an interview with The Sunday Times the singer explains he was living on the second floor of an apartment block in Manhattan at the time of writing the song, which reached the UK Top 10.

“I loved the place, great spot and great view of the river, but one year the apartment above mine was rented out to this young, really inconsiderate couple.  They were banging around up there day and night.  I had heavy thuds above my head for months. I must have asked them a hundred times, really politely, if they could keep it down and make sure their visitors took their shoes off, but nothing doing.

In the end I snapped and gave them a taste of their own medicine by dancing on the ceiling. Sometimes, like in the video, I got 20 or 30 of my mates to join me.  They moved out three months later!”

The song was written by Mike Frenchik, Lionel Richie and Carlos Rios and performed by Richie on his 1986 album of the same name. It reached number 2 in the US Top 100, and number 7 in the UK Singles Chart.

Top Engineer blasts BMW ‘Shark Fin’

Posted in Engineering, General Interest by archersnews on May 27, 2010

Leading engineer Max Von Linden blasted the BMW shark fin, the distinctive spoiler seen on the roof of later BMW cars, as a schoolboyish engineering mistake. “Rather than improve performance” Von Linden points out in May’s edition of The Engineer , “the fin leads to greater wind resistance and reduced performance“. He commented “many of the drivers are also complete twat heads”

Shark Fin blasted by Von Linden

Shark Fin blasted by Von Linden

Liam at centre of Blur Poll Mystery

Posted in C++, Internet, Music by archersnews on May 5, 2010

Rock Star Liam Gallagher was at the centre of  bizarre vote rigging claims last night involving  fellow rock band Blur. 

The Poll promoted by the music press  “Oasis or Blur: The Final Say, You Decide”  returned an overwhelming majority in the Manchester band’s favour.

 A few eyebrows were raised at the time, however the matter would have been done and dusted were it not for a complaint by a member of the public to the official sponsors N.M.E. who called in the Internet Auditing Authority.

The Oasis Blur poll results

 The I.A.A discovered that an ‘irregular proportion’ of voting activity pointed to a single address around the Manchester area but refused to disclose more information.  He added that  “these polls use a high level of security intended to protect the integrity of the data, so whoever was behind this knew what they were doing”.

The second poll

 An unauthorised poll about the band Gorillaz, which is run by Blur front man Damon Albarn, was also traced to a server at the same Manchester address.

 Speculation is being further fuelled by the revelation that an email address resembling that of the fiery Oasis frontman was found in the polling code. The IAA was quick to point out however that “there are of course very many tens of thousands liam.g’s in the world even in the street in which Liam Gallagher lives and to which this email has been traced. It is by no means unique. The net is a huge place”

A friend of the Gallagher family spoke in an interview with the Sunday Mirror  last year about Liam’s prodigious computer talents.

“Not many people know it but Liam had the potential to be a world class C++ Programmer and was once offered a job at Microsoft in his teens. He blew his teachers away at school, whatever the computer guys threw at him he just soaked it up. It was like he already knew it,  they were just amazed. There is very little Liam can’t do with C++, SQL or PHP”.

The Code unearthed by the IAA

Liam has made no secret of his love for computers once famously saying . “I love the way simple binary code can operate a machine. The idea just kinda transfixed me as a kid you know. Life throws some real hard bitches of dilemmas at you –  mine has been whether to rock n’ roll or to program”.

 N.M.E said it would clearly be a shame if the results had been tampered with but are not planning to take any further action.

-Archers News

“B.O. will be outlawed on London Buses by 2012”

Posted in Transport, UK Law, Uncategorized by archersnews on May 1, 2010

The Secretary of State for Transport, The Rt Hon Lord Andrew Adonis,  pledged today to outlaw body odor on London buses by 2012, with a move to roll it out across all Public Transport nationwide by 2014. 

His proposal to a Commons Select Commitee states “B.O. on Public Transport is unacceptable in this day and age. If you don’t want to shower that is fine, but you will need to look at alternative methods of transport.  There are few worse transport ordeals than having to take a packed tube at the height of summer next to some unwashed berk ponging the hell out of the carriage. The choice is simple – Wash or Walk.”

The Minister outlined a number of measures including on the spot fines of up to £500  that will be introduced in the Spring of 2012, accompanied by a series of  ‘Wash or Walk’ poster campaigns.

New Transport Measures

New Transport law will be phased in by Adonis

–Archers News

Jefferson Starship admits error “could have cost lives”

Posted in Music, Uncategorized by archersnews on April 15, 2010

Mickey Thomas and Grace Slick who sung Starship’s 1985’s hit single “We built this city (on rock n’ roll)” have admitted they made  a ‘potentially dangerous’ construction error. In a joint press announcement Thomas and Slick said “whilst we were not responsible for the lyrical content of the song, we’re both willing to stand up and fully admit this song makes a potentially dangerous claim that could have cost lives. In any kind of building construction we would only recommend materials like brick, concrete and galvinised steel. We love Rock ‘n Roll, but forget it for any serious construction work. You might as well try to build a city on Olive Oil”. 

Starship is an American rock band formed in the 1970s and underwent a number of transformations and new line ups over the years. Founding members included Paul Kantner, David Freiberg, Cathy Richardson, Slick Aguilar, Chris Smith, Donny Baldwin and Jeff Pevar.  The band started life in 1970 as the Psychedelic rock band Jefferson Starship.

Chinese Restaurant Name Change is “Completely Woking Crazy”

Posted in Food and Drink, General Interest by archersnews on February 12, 2010
The Magic Wok - may be forced to change name

The Magic Wok – may be forced to change name

One of London’s best loved Chinese Restaurants, the “Magic Wok” in Hackney, North East London has been ordered to change its name in a move that has been branded “mindless, interfering and petty local government”.

Magic Wok’s owners Wi and Lavinia Wong have been ordered to change their name or face closure. Mike Harris of The London Borough of Hackney has written to them stating “To use ‘magic’ in this sense, describing your wok as ‘magic’, clearly suggests or allows the impression to be formed that your establishment, its wok, food or noodles somehow possesses supernatural powers. As no evidence has been shown to support this claim you are asked to find a more factual description of your establishment by February 15th failing which our officers will take out an injunction against your establishment.”

Local MP Tom Hollingsworth has called it “plain nonsense” saying “it is completely outrageous, petty and interfering local government at its worst. I can’t believe anyone in their right mind would come to the Magic Wok expecting a magic show or expecting David Copperfield to be working in the kitchen. It’s clearly just a light-hearted name.”

Mike Harris told us however “These guidelines are there to protect the consumer. We are merely asking Wi and Lavinia Wong to make a small name change so it is within the council and Fair Trading Standard’s guidelines”.

But what of the neighbouring “Noodle Fun” restaurant. Surely that is also objectionable? Mr Harris replied “That case had been thoroughly investigated. Fun in that sense was actually the name of the proprietor. Had it been meant in the usual sense of ‘joy’ or ‘gaiety’ we would certainly have taken firm action”

Mr Wong told us  “Mike Harris has made our lives a nightmare for months now. Writing to us many times and even carrying out random inspections – once even in the dead of night”.

Mrs Wong added: “The reason is pretty obvious to me anyway – he’s been knocking off Jenny Lin, the owner of the Hot Dumpling for months now. It‘s something to do with that, just to drive us away.“

Mike Harris did not return our call yesterday.